The blaming game

Maturity in love and the ability to evaluate relationships are difficult skills. Looking at the people in my life, and in my own personal experience, a lot of times I am faced with the realisation that I have failed in both.

Love demands dedication but also knowledge. Mainly about one self and their own qualities and limitations. But also, a kind of childish trust and confidence that allows a complete presence and commitment to that relationship.

Evaluating relationships demands above anything else maturity and the ability to put everything into perspective, and specially, our own flaws and limitations. Evaluate is a system of checks and balances. And for that, you need to see your qualities and flaws, but also the other persons. And with that arrive to a conclusion.

One of the saddest things I noticed in relationships is the blaming game.  A lot of people, and I include myself, expresses disappointment in their actual or ex-partner, in an old or new friend, exactly the same way. And always the same point made is: she has tricked me, he has disappointed me, she has betrayed me or he has lost my trust.

And these comments are made about people that once meant everything to us. That we have known for a long time. Sometimes years and decades. Even about people we have shared our bed and personal moments and life.

Like we were fooled or tricked into believing that some part of that person existed when the reality is that it was all an illusion. Like those people had transformed from the person they pretended to be into a real person that has nothing to do with that first impression. And, of course, this new person Is in reality evil, bad, unscrupulous, cheating or terrible.

But, as a matter of fact, people change a lot less then we think. And even more so if we are talking about their nature. People are people. Caring people are caring, suspicious people are suspicious, happy people are happy. Even If sometimes they are not.

So, if we find something we don’t like about that person, that we had never seen before, the most important questions are: why we didn’t see it or we didn’t want to see it?

Both of these questions focus on the very important topic of self-love and the desire to be loved.

It is amazing to see the extent that we go to feel accepted. To feel loved and welcomed. And how, when that fails, it is immediately someone else’s fault and failure. This is probably the most abyssal desire of everyone: to be seen and loved.

When that fails for any reason, then the solution seems to be to cut the problematic relationship to absolute zero. And by that, removing people that were fundamental in our lives before, just because we feel betrayed and cheated. Sometimes to the cost of other relationships, like sons, parents, and friends.

But I am here to tell me and you that the person we should blame is our self. We should all ask what we expected from that person and why that has failed. How, knowing that person so well, did that behavior disappoint so much.  And why we didn’t see it or, if we did, hoped it was an illusion.

Off-course that are situations that truly deserve this kind of radical cut. But those are very rare situations. And sometimes the only thing that is truly needed is a healing period, with some distance, to clear the air, to heal the wounds, and to learn and grow, so that then we can continue to build that relationship. Even if in a completely different direction from before.

So, let’s remember that most of the times, maybe, and just maybe, we are the ones that need changing and correcting. That we are the ones that where blind or refused to see. That we are the stubborn ones. And because of that, we are the ones that need to develop skills and abilities.

To analyse, to understand, to accept, to forgive, to love and to include.